“I don’t lie, you can trust me”, my date told me.
Less than an hour later, the same guy contradicted himself saying: “We lie to get what we want”.
You might not believe me, but up until not long ago, I didn’t know that most people lie regularly. “How could this be? Aren’t you forty-five years old?” You might wonder.
Yeah, well, sort of. Four years ago, I discovered that I am an aspie (high functioning autist) and people like me don’t get the concept of lying very well, or not at all, unless it is specifically explained. Ever since I learned that regular people lie a lot, I’ve started saying little lies here and there, in order to fit in socially, especially with my family of origin. But every time I do it, I feel that a tiny bit of my soul cracks. I truly hate lying.
The phrase, “we lie to get what we want”, was the answer to an anecdote that I had just told. It was something that happened to me the first time I had sex with someone after my separation.
I had met a guy in a bar, and instead of him taking me to his house, he took me to his office. He said that he was living there because he couldn’t afford anything else, and that he was separated from his wife. I believed everything, and it wasn’t until several months afterwards, that I realized that he had lied, and that he had taken me to his office, because there was a wife in his house, probably even kids.
So, when I told my recent date about that episode, he had the nerve to tell me: “We lie to get what we want”.
I played along and tried to ignore the comment, reminding myself, over and over “this is just sex, Sabrina, just sex”. The guy had a body to die for, and I am a human being, after all. But… the sex was awful! And guys, I’m very sorry to tell you this, but the size of your penis does matter. If you have a small one, you really have to go the extra mile to satisfy a woman. Someone had to say it, sorry, and lying doesn’t suit me well.
I’ve realized that I have three patterns regarding the men I’ve dated:
1-The superficial engineers, sport-lovers, muscled guys
They were somatic narcissists and I’ve never been with any of them more than four dates. These guys had great careers, were economically successful, ate extremely healthy, almost didn’t drink alcohol (or nothing at all) were obsessed with exercising and weight lifting, and by the way, two of them had particularly small penises (for my records, because I don’t want to forget: Juan Alberto, Ricardo and Alberto 2).
2-The bohemian, thin-but-strong men
I’ve fallen in love with two out of three guys that I’ve met in this category, and each of those two relationships lasted for four months. It took me a while to realize that, in spite of their appearance of emotional depth, they were just a bit less shallow than the hunks, that’s all.
I had the best sex ever with those two very-thin guys that I even called my boyfriends at the time.
All three guys in this category were good at their jobs, but a big mess financially. They also were particularly well equipped down there too (yes, big penises; one was even huge and could stay hard for what seemed forever).
These men enjoyed alcohol and/or drugs, and were obsessed with eating very little. They are another variety of somatic narcissists (Arturo, Oliver and Alberto 1).
3-The lustful fat men
Just as the somatic narcissists were obsessed with maintaining their bodies beautiful, the lustful fat men were their radical opposites, obsessed with eating a lot. In the same way that they could not get enough food, they couldn’t get enough women.
One of them once joked saying “I’m going to call my friend to see if she wants to have a threesome with you and me”.
Another one sheepishly asked if I had ever been attracted to a woman (in order to have a threesome), and also told me he had been with hookers while being married.
In both cases my alarms went off, and I decided not to trust these men, so I lied, telling them that I was not interested in women.
One of the men in this category was the guy with whom I actually had a threesome with. One night, even though he was having sex with two women, it wasn’t enough, and he had to watch pictures of naked girls in his phone, to be able to come. (Francisco, Josh, Hector, Oscar).
What do these guys had in common? They all lied to get what they wanted.
The hunks lied about the women involved with them.
The thin guys lied about their finances.
The fat guys lied both about women and about money.
My ex-husband cannot be classified in any of these categories, although he was the most skilled liar of all. Maybe I’ve run the other way unconsciously, every time I meet someone that reminds me of him.
He was a cerebral narcissist and lying was his default mode.
Maybe that’s why I fell for these guys, because they all looked like innocent kids, if I compared them with my ex-husband. But they were not.
Now that I can see the patterns, I feel like I can continue on with my life. Maybe I end up finding an honest man next time, but to do that, I have stop losing my time with liars.